Degressive camouflage - truth behind marriages
As I near my thirties, its become more and more clear to me that we, as humans are extremely dependent, helpless beings, especially on whom we claim to love.
With the exception of a few soul mates who find their utmost in each other, for most part, most of us are in relationships or marriages just to blend in. Now, for instance, my first ever boyfriend (which was at an age I hardly could tell what love really was) was a result of constant teasing by friends and a feeling of mush being caused due to that.
This, which I would also regard as peer pressure also stemmed from the fact that I was now in my teens, confident and capable of attracting the person of the opposite sex- just as my other counterparts.
However, in the process of trying to find my place in the band wagon, what I also, most unconsciously brought upon myself is what I call "degressive camouflage." In the animal kingdom, various organisms adopt camouflaging to surviving being predated by stronger organisms. Spectacular feats are achieved by locusts, spiders, and a wide range of deep sea creatures. While humans have also done exceedingly well in fitting into the paradigm, we have however, brought a different flavour to the way we use relationships to blend in.
Now, in both western and eastern societies, a person's capability or even the want to really be with a partner is influenced by both internal and external factors.
Internal as in the emotional need to be with a person who relates and understands and external as in the family, friends and largely relatives when it comes to marriage in the Indian society. While internal needs may largely be justified, all the crucial decisions that are really made arises out of external factors. No one wants to be the odd one out. The one person who is old enough to have got married but still single or figuring. The girl who still hasn't found a match or the guy who still didn't settle yet. We are all tiny pieces of jigsaws, we all look to just fit the hell in!
Now there's a perfect camouflage! Everyone's married, lives are settled and an ideal societal imagery created. And why not? Thats a million times better call than hearing the repeated taunts from family, neighbours and relatives about your undefined relationship status. Sometimes, it can be really a survival strategy, to just, quietly oblige!
While marriage is a beautiful testimony, what makes the compulsiveness of this institution of marriage is the danger it brings to realizing one's own identity. This holds true even pre marriage when you are single or looking for a partner. We all submit to identifying ourselves as either single, dating, engaged or married. These become our identity, and who we are holds good only in connection to our better half. Not really a negative, but what happens to the real you?
Imagine the classic example of a caterpillar in a cacoon, it has no real worry, nothing to harm it as long as it stays as it is. He finds his identification in being a mere caterpillar as that is what is safe for him. But only when it emerges as a butterfly can it really know its worth. Some of us don't ever come out. Because we just want to fit in!
And while with our partners, in our effort to blend in, we grow utterly dependent on each other for reasons both material and otherwise. Then it becomes unimaginable to hop back to being single. It becomes a survival threat even an emotional dilemma.
The 'degressive' part of this practise is however when while trying to find a partner and while camouflaging, life in general becomes pockets of tasks that becomes mechanical to complete while quite forgoing of who we really are. Have kids, give them schooling, get them married and the cycle goes on. One task lead to another and slowly and gradually as we entangle ourselves in this paraphernalia, life happens!
And it walks right past you.
What hurts most is, over a period of time, the essence of companionship is lost and life looks back not so lovingly and all you are left with is yourself wondering what the hell happened. But is it too late then? Are we really helpless?
I'm on a journey to finding myself. To love completely who I'm and embrace with all my heart the person life has made me. And on this journey, if I happen to stumble upon a friend who can tag along, I will find my lover in him. But as far as the band wagon goes, I'm gona have to skip it and pack my bags to an adventurous hike!
But thats just me. Just saying!
With the exception of a few soul mates who find their utmost in each other, for most part, most of us are in relationships or marriages just to blend in. Now, for instance, my first ever boyfriend (which was at an age I hardly could tell what love really was) was a result of constant teasing by friends and a feeling of mush being caused due to that.
This, which I would also regard as peer pressure also stemmed from the fact that I was now in my teens, confident and capable of attracting the person of the opposite sex- just as my other counterparts.
However, in the process of trying to find my place in the band wagon, what I also, most unconsciously brought upon myself is what I call "degressive camouflage." In the animal kingdom, various organisms adopt camouflaging to surviving being predated by stronger organisms. Spectacular feats are achieved by locusts, spiders, and a wide range of deep sea creatures. While humans have also done exceedingly well in fitting into the paradigm, we have however, brought a different flavour to the way we use relationships to blend in.
Now, in both western and eastern societies, a person's capability or even the want to really be with a partner is influenced by both internal and external factors.
Internal as in the emotional need to be with a person who relates and understands and external as in the family, friends and largely relatives when it comes to marriage in the Indian society. While internal needs may largely be justified, all the crucial decisions that are really made arises out of external factors. No one wants to be the odd one out. The one person who is old enough to have got married but still single or figuring. The girl who still hasn't found a match or the guy who still didn't settle yet. We are all tiny pieces of jigsaws, we all look to just fit the hell in!
Now there's a perfect camouflage! Everyone's married, lives are settled and an ideal societal imagery created. And why not? Thats a million times better call than hearing the repeated taunts from family, neighbours and relatives about your undefined relationship status. Sometimes, it can be really a survival strategy, to just, quietly oblige!
While marriage is a beautiful testimony, what makes the compulsiveness of this institution of marriage is the danger it brings to realizing one's own identity. This holds true even pre marriage when you are single or looking for a partner. We all submit to identifying ourselves as either single, dating, engaged or married. These become our identity, and who we are holds good only in connection to our better half. Not really a negative, but what happens to the real you?
Imagine the classic example of a caterpillar in a cacoon, it has no real worry, nothing to harm it as long as it stays as it is. He finds his identification in being a mere caterpillar as that is what is safe for him. But only when it emerges as a butterfly can it really know its worth. Some of us don't ever come out. Because we just want to fit in!
And while with our partners, in our effort to blend in, we grow utterly dependent on each other for reasons both material and otherwise. Then it becomes unimaginable to hop back to being single. It becomes a survival threat even an emotional dilemma.
The 'degressive' part of this practise is however when while trying to find a partner and while camouflaging, life in general becomes pockets of tasks that becomes mechanical to complete while quite forgoing of who we really are. Have kids, give them schooling, get them married and the cycle goes on. One task lead to another and slowly and gradually as we entangle ourselves in this paraphernalia, life happens!
And it walks right past you.
What hurts most is, over a period of time, the essence of companionship is lost and life looks back not so lovingly and all you are left with is yourself wondering what the hell happened. But is it too late then? Are we really helpless?
I'm on a journey to finding myself. To love completely who I'm and embrace with all my heart the person life has made me. And on this journey, if I happen to stumble upon a friend who can tag along, I will find my lover in him. But as far as the band wagon goes, I'm gona have to skip it and pack my bags to an adventurous hike!
But thats just me. Just saying!
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